Don't. Do It.

I have

Lost TEN lbs!
I now weigh 119 lbs and have passed my first goal weight :)
Only 19 more to go to the ultimate goal! :))))

Just pulled a 13 hour shift. I feel like a fucking boss. I changed through that shit and never once looked at the clock hoping it would be closer to leaving. It was a great day. I love mama Marlin. She the bomb :) I love closing the deli. I enjoy it for some reason. I really love everyone I work with. For the most part. There’s two I don’t care for. But everyone else is so amazing. I love my job (: but I’m being underpaid STILL. It is such bullshit. I’m getting soooo aggravated over it. I’m being jibbed so much fucking money it’s not cool at all. I worked all day and I don’t even get to talk to Preston. I’m just so pissed right now. I was all in a good mood and excited to come home then I remember I’m being fucked by my job and I don’t even get to talk to Preston and its been over a day. We talk everyday when I get home from work. But noooo. Not tonight. And we didn’t talk last night either. It pisses me off because its like; FUCKER DON’T YOU WANT TO CALL ME? TALK TO ME? SEE HOW I AM? TELL ME HOW YOUR DAYS IS? God. Fuck you too you fucking asshole. But god I love him soooo fucking much. I wanna love on him all day and night. Alllllll day and night. I wanna rub his back. I wanna kiss his lips and all over his body. I wanna scratch his scalp for him. I wanna cuddle him so close and so hard. I just want to touch him all seconds of my life. I need to touch him, I need to touch his skin. I NEED IT, I NEED HIM.

One for me
One for you
And the last and deepest for our love

Sometimes I just wonder, what it would be like if you treated me good. How happy would both of us be? Would things be better? I feel like such dirt. I feel like trash. I feel like such a fucking waste. I don’t want to fucking be here anymore. Why the fuck are things like this? I fucking hate me. I hate me so fucking bad. I don’t want to be this mess and fuck up anymore. Like please Jesus fucking put my soul into another body or something. I want to be pretty I want to be liked I want to know what it is like to have a girl that’s a friend and a guy that’s a friend that doesn’t want sex from me I just want normal I just can’t deal with Preston and the pain and living here and the things I’ve done and where I’m at in life I have fucking nothing. All I ever wanted was to get a place with Preston and I would be happy for the rest of my days and I don’t think we’re even going to fucking get there. Why am I not good enough anymore? I’ve been trying so hard and I’m nothing but annoying and drive him nuts. The love is just fucking gone and I can’t find myself to be able to leave. I never know of it is him or a schizo episode he’s having. One days he can’t be without me and the next he doesn’t want a damn thing to do with me and isn’t interested in me anymore. I need to end it but I just can’t. I just still want my old Preston and I feel like if I do everything right and be an amazing person he’ll want me still and love me and want to be with me and find me pretty and interesting. I am so god damn mother fucking hurt right now. I all I see is blurred ness as water just pours out of my eyes like a pathetic mother fucker. Just god damn. For real. Why the fuck is shit this way? I never thought it would be this way ever. God please make it fucking stop make Preston my old Preston make my life okay give me a reason to want to live I have nothing left and I just see no fucking point I’m just so alone and it’s like I want to be alone but being alone is killing me and its killing me more to know that the life partner I chose isn’t there for me anymore and doesn’t want me. It’s like he keeps me around just to watch himself fucking destroy me. If this doesn’t end soon something bad is going to happen. These things never end pretty and never end okay. I don’t want it to end but I know it’s going to happen and ill never be ready for it. But I feel it is coming soon. I’m afraid in time and were still together that he’s going to really hurt me. Punch me or choke me. He just gets so angry at me. I just can’t believe any of this shit right now. Just like WHY. I just wish he knew how much I loved him and how I’m just hurt and have been for a long time and I just want him to treat me right and love me and ill do the same for him. I just want him to be Myanmar that wants to take care of me and protect me and he’s not doing any of those things. I know I hurt him but of he loves me as much as he says he does then he should have really forgiven me and let us start new and not keep holding it against me in every time we fight or argue. I’m just so in the wrong and I try not to be and I’ve tried making a mince so many times and it just fails. I get hurt and sometimes I just want to be loved and hurt him right back and it shouldn’t be this way. Jesus I want to go back in time. Just this one time and I will never ask for a fucking thing. I want to change the things that happened I want to change the things that I’ve done I need to change things. Please please. I’m in so much pain right now and I’m not talking to anyone no guys no one to support me I’m isolating myself to keep him from thinking I’m running to someone else or trash talking him to anyone and that’s so hard. Especially when I still feel like he’s my best friend somewhere inside him and I want to talk to him about how I feel and have his support but I can’t because its about me and him and I’m just annoying him in the first place. So I’m just left to be so alone and he just expects me to be okay and shit and tells me not to hurt myself. How can I not when I’m made to realize what a price of trash I am and left all alone with my feelings that I can’t handle in the first place. What else am I suppose to do? Sit there? That’s so fucking impossible when I feel like I’m about to lose my mind and crawl out of my own skin and sad beyond belief and pissed beyond belief. So many emotions at once. What the fuck does he expect me to do? He just wants to fucking destroy me and watch me suffer till the day I finally get the balls to fucking kill myself. The only place I ever feel okay us at work with all then people I work with. They’re all so fucking nice to me it’s almost weird. I had totally forgotten what it was like to have positive nice people around. I almost want to call it home. They know about my scars but they don’t know why and they don’t ask and they don’t know about my struggles and I’m aloud to smile I’m aloud to make jokes I’m aloud to have fun with people and I’m aloud to be all of me and people actually seem to like me at work. But sometimes I don’t know if it is how I really feel or if I’m just putting up a front. Sometimes I have to make myself joke and smile with everything in me because that’s what they’re use I and I don’t want them to ask if I’m okay or what is wrong I don’t want to ruin my safe zone. I will never tell them a thing of my problems. I’ve only talked to one person about Preston. That’s because his wife is schizophrenic too. It’s so fucking hard to deal with him and his outbursts. He says such terrible things to me and they hurt so bad because its like Where is my lover? I know you are in there still just please come out please come back to me. Make this monster go away. I’m scared of you and I should never be scared of my lover. I’m just so giving up. My lover is so lost in that fucking monster. I’ve tried so hard to get him back at times and it just never works I fuck it up and he gets angry and goes crazy. I remember when I had the worlds sweetest and most wonderful lover. I remember when he was the greatest person I knew, the most wonderful thing I have ever met. His kisses were so heart felt and when he touched me it was warm and when he said he loved me I actually believed it. I know I have bad days and he does too but his bad days are almost everyday and they are so bad I never know how to deal. I just want to fix it and make things better and when I do that it makes everything so much worse and I never know what to do. I’m so fucking spent.

When you wait for everyone in the house to go to sleep so you can lacerate yourself.